Tediz

Lore & Background

The Tediz are a paramilitary organization of teddy bears who have rejected their role as children's toys in favor of conquest. Their origins are unclear, but they operate from a fortified island base filled with high-tech weaponry, including laser guns, tanks, and even a giant mech suit. Their leader, Professor Von Kriplespac, is a mad scientist who speaks with a German accent and dreams of ruling the world with an iron paw. The Tediz are characterized by their absurdly serious military discipline, which contrasts with their fluffy, adorable appearance—a joke that runs throughout their encounters with Conker. In *Conker's Bad Fur Day*, the Tediz are first encountered when Conker washes up on their island after a shipwreck. They immediately capture him and force him into a series of tasks, including serving as a test subject for their weapons. The Tediz are also responsible for the creation of the 'Tediz' soldier type, which includes both standard grunts and more specialized units like the 'Tediz Commander' who barks orders. Their incompetence is a running gag: they frequently misfire their weapons, argue among themselves, and fail to secure Conker despite their numerical advantage. The Tediz's role in the story is to provide a comedic obstacle for Conker as he tries to return home. They are eventually defeated through a combination of Conker's luck and their own ineptitude—like the time a commander accidentally ordered his own squad to march off a cliff—but they remain a memorable part of the game's satirical take on military culture and video game tropes.

In Their Own Story

The rain hammered down on Tediz Island as Conker stumbled out of the surf, coughing up seawater. Before he could get his bearings, a harsh voice barked, 'Halt! Who goes there?' He looked up to see a teddy bear in a tiny helmet, clutching a laser rifle that seemed comically large in its stubby paws. 'I... I'm just a squirrel looking for a way home,' Conker stammered. The bear squinted, then pressed a button on its communicator. 'Sir, we have an intruder. Fluffy, but suspicious.' A moment later, Conker was surrounded by a dozen identical bears, all aiming their weapons at him with the solemnity of a firing squad. 'You will come with us,' the first bear said. 'The Professor will want to see you.' Conker sighed. 'Great. Another day, another kidnapping by stuffed animals.'

Reader's Guide

**Professor Von Kriplespac** is the leader of the Tediz, a mad scientist bear with a thick German accent and a flair for dramatic monologues. He is obsessed with world domination and treats his soldiers like expendable pawns. His catchphrases include 'Zis is not a toy!' and 'You vill be terminated!'—usually delivered while adjusting his monocle or polishing his iron cross. In battle, he relies on his personal mech suit, the 'Tediz Annihilator,' which is as prone to overheating as it is to causing collateral damage.

Did You Know?

• The Tediz are a parody of the 'Teddy Bear' military trope, common in games like *Command & Conquer* and *Metal Gear Solid*, but taken to absurd extremes.
• In *Conker: Live & Reloaded*, the Tediz have a multiplayer mode where players can control them in team-based battles, adding a competitive layer to their faction.
• The Tediz's leader, Professor Von Kriplespac, was voiced by Chris Seavor, the game's director, who also voiced Conker in some scenes.
• The Tediz Island level was originally designed as a tutorial area but evolved into a full chapter due to player feedback during testing.